So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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