Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
