did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Houston, we have a squirter
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize