I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Still dying that you shit outside
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
