the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
