im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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