I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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