my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
