I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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