I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
