How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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