I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
