i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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