What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize