i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
