Banned from zoo.
Again?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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