Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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