I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
