Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
