I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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