I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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