im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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