He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
