just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize