Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
