I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
