I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
