I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
