just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
