Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
