She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
