And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize