"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Randomize
