i would punch a child for taco bell
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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