IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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