First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize