I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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