My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
