i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
