sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he fucked my hip out of place.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
