dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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