So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
