what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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