If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
