Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
