Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
