the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
