life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
