I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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