I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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