He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
