isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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