Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
