Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
