Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
