First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize