fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
